I think I’m facing something that I don’t want to face. And I’m not even sure if it’s true. I’ve written a lot of pages in the year since I’ve moved to LA. A LOT of pages. And not all of them have sucked. Which is good. But… man… these past weeks… trying to write (well, rewrite…) has been hard. Really hard. So there it is… have I become a BURN OUT? Is this the end?
Do I just need to step away? What if I don’t WANT to step away? How do I NOT be a burn out?
Symptoms: I sit down to write, and it’s an idea that I like, but when I put put fingers to keyboard (or rubber hitting the road) and I just can’t do it. I just lose my… nerve? My…passion? (OMG, is this performance anxiety?) I just don’t know. I just don’t CARE.
I move onto other distractions… the internet (recently, I’ve grown fond of podcasts–it’s like radio JUST FOR ME, or reading or catching up on some TV.
I’m sure the reasonable thing for me to do is just step away for a bit, but, how much is a bit? How long should I step away for? A week? A month? That’s very hard for me to do. I’ve always felt the pressure of time. That time is running out. The importance of NOW. If I’m not working, I know someone else IS. So, to step away… It’s like taking a break during a marathon… I don’t think it’s wise to knock off the marathon to go watch a movie, it’s going to be hard to start running again.
If stepping away isn’t an option (it is, don’t tell my manager), what then? I’ve tried to be more scheduled with my time, (DISCIPLINE!). In the morning, I have an hour to waste on the internet, and then three hours of writing time, followed by lunch and then in the afternoon two hours of what I’m calling “Imagination Time.” I even have gmail sending me reminders… And that’s not… working…
So, here I am… I can care less about writing (except I don’t) and I should take a break and recharge (but I won’t) and I’m not sure what to do next. (I really hope you do.)